Debbie Downer, part 2

Okay, I need to warn you to right now--no good will come out of reading this post. I have absolutely nothing to say that is positive. I suppose I have such a profound need to "vent" right now that I'm taking off my "everything is okay" mask and letting Debbie Downer say a few things. I am having such a hard time right now--depression and loneliness have set in like never before. I am missing Zachary so much--perhaps because I am literally surrounded by his absence. I am in a house where he never lived, in a place where nobody knows him. His little feet never padded around on these wood floors, there is not a drawer in the kitchen for his bibs and sippy cups, he doesn't have a room or place in this house. His things are boxed up, his scrapbook has not yet been made, and my memory of him--his voice, his smell, his details--is starting to fade.
I am constantly in the position of introducing myself and my family to new neighbors, teachers and ward members. I hear my voice telling them about our "youngest child" and I can hardly believe what I am saying. How did this happen? How is this real? How is this my life?
I feel such a need to tell people about Zach, I want people to know he exists--that he lived and breathed just a few short months ago. I have 5 children, not 4. I'm not enjoying having "all of my children" in school because I was supposed to be having my special one-on-one time right now with my sweet Zachary. I was supposed to be taking him to the park, and play groups, and picnics. I look outside at all the beautiful trees in my new yard and I can see him running around and enjoying them. I can see him playing with the puppies and playing on the swingset that was just set up. I am feeling his loss worse than ever.
I hate that I wake up each night at every little sound and have to tell myself, "not Zachary, not Zachary, not Zachary". I hate that I can't be around little baby boys without fighting back tears. I hate that, when I try to close my eyes and remember Zach, sometimes all I can envision is his lifeless little body at the hospital or in his coffin, and not his his smiling little face in life. My arms are literally aching to hold him. I want to cuddle up with him on the couch like we used to. I want to put him in his highchair and share some vanilla pudding with him. I want to play peek-a-boo with him and look at picture books. I want to get him out of his crib in the middle of the night and bring him to bed with me. I want to watch my other kids play with him and make him laugh.
I am still surrounded by boxes and heaps of "stuff" that I don't know what to do with. I have no motivation to get anything done. Life is overwhelming for me right now--just getting the kids off to school and fed--completely exhausts me. I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I no longer feel the strength that comes from hundreds of prayers in my behalf. I just feel so sad.
Now, before you start to worry that I'm some sort of danger to myself or something--stop right there. This is just me taking advantage of my female right to vent. I'm negative and I'm depressed, but I know that "this too shall pass".
I do have moments of comfort and peace, and times when I feel a glimmer of happiness. Of course, I have a lot to be grateful for--but that's not the purpose of this post. Right now I'm being and feeling miserable. And I'm sharing it with whoever will listen--because that's what depressed people do. Maybe if I feed Debbie Downer enough chocolate--she'll shut up for a while. Do you think? And, oh yeah, I'm depressed because I no longer have clothes that fit me. Darn chocolate. Please, please, please don't tell me that I "just need to exercise"--because then I really will be a danger (and not to myself--if you know what I mean).
Okay, I feel a little better now, I really do. Something about the threat of violence........

A Christmas Miracle

So I am officially "hooked up" mow. It feels like a Christmas miracle. The bad mews is that the letter that comes after 'M' om my keyboard is stuck for some reasom so I am replacig it with the letter 'm'--how obmoxious is that??? Just ome of the mamy casualties of the move.
I actually have everythig ad mothing to say. All my pictures are still om my camera--which is im a box somewhere. So why post this message? Because I cam.
The kids are "adjustig" to their mew schools. Which ism't sayig much, is it? If they were havig a terrible time im school, it would still be comsidered "adjustig". But they arem't--havig a terrible time, that is. They've all made at least ome mew friemd--Claire has at least a dozem. OK--I've had it--mever umderestimate the value of the letter that comes before 'o'. I'm goimg to go watch the Emmy's--because I cam.

Remember me?

Hello--
Is anybody there???
Still no computer, no email, or no television for that matter. But it's coming. So don't forget about me.
How do people live without the internet? or television? Don't answer that.
I currently have hurricane refugees staying with us. My sister Jessica and her family got here from the Houston area yesterday--their house has no electricity right now.
They came to the right place--we have lots of power. Just sitting here unused and wasting away. It certainly isn't being used to operate computers or televisions (or ovens or electronic kitchen utensils or mixers).
So here we all are--all 13 of us in a house full of boxes and unused electricity. (Oh, and all the food from Jessica's fridge and freezer--minus the strawberry freezer jam which she left behind to rot. Somebody needs to get their priorities in order.)
I hope everyone is enjoying their computers and their internet access and is appreciating it for the incredible miracle that it is. Someone in my new ward today asked me if I was all unpacked and settled in. That was funny. The good news is that my sister-in-law Julie has completely abandoned her family to help me unpack and make sense of my chaos.
Well, Dave needs his laptop back....... it's okay though because I wanted to go stare at the wall anyway.