Moving to Dallas!

So first I wanted to say thank you for all your nice phone messages, emails, comments, etc. since my last post. I guess I invited you all to my pity party. I kept waiting for the special van to show up with a straight jacket--just my size.
Really, I truly appreciate your concern and everything! A few of you even offered to let me kick you in the teeth. Wow! That's friendship! It absolutely helps knowing that there are so many people who care.

So we're moving to Dallas. Like, soon. How soon? Dave starts his new job July 1st. That's right--2008. I actually haven't given it too much thought. Which is a problem, I suppose. There is certainly a lot to do. Luckily, I haven't had much of a chance to think about since I've had family visiting for the past week--which was a really nice distraction for me. They all just left today so now I guess it's time to face reality. Maybe I'll go sit in the corner for a while and trill my lips.

If I were keeping a gratitude journal (which really is a good idea, it just has to be MY idea), I would make a list of all the good things about moving to Dallas. A short list would be:
1. It's a great opportunity for Dave's career, and for our future.
2.. Dave's sister Julie and her family, who we all love, live there.
3. Dave's parents have furniture in a storage unit there, which means they may go back there after their mission???
4. There's a temple there.
5. There's a Cosco there.
6.. It's still Texas--and as it turns out, I'm a Texan.
7. There's more than one mall.
8. There's lots of other stuff there. What other stuff? I can't think of them at the moment.

If I were keeping a Debbie Downer journal (and you all know that I am), my list might be a bit longer. A few of the items would be:
1. I will have to leave a town that I love, that has been my home for 8 1/2 years--which is longer than I've lived anywhere.
2. I will have to leave my beautiful home, full of wonderful happy memories, and kind, loving neighbors.
3. I will have to pack up Zach's room and put away his crib, his clothes, his toys...for good.
4. I will leave an amazing support system--and the greatest friends who have helped me through the most difficult days of my life. And I will be leaving a place where people knew Zach, as a real, living person (and loved him).
5. I will be leaving Dave's brother Ben, and his awesome family, who have been "there" for us and who we enjoy spending time with.
6. I will be leaving Zachary, at least the physical place where I can leave him flowers and talk to him. (I know there are other places to feel close to him, but this was one of them).
7. My kids will also be leaving their dear friends, swim teams, teachers, support.
8. I have to include this one....I will be leaving Lorena--who has mopped my floors for 5 years now. That's a tough one. (I know most of you don't feel sorry for me on that one). :) But this is MY Debbie Downer list.
9. To name just a few....an awesome piano teacher who comes to my house, the ability to get almost anywhere I want to go in 5 minutes, an awesome ward, a great school, The Garlic Press, Rosa's, and about 63 more irreplacable things. Maybe 64.

Also, I should add "no more dust storms" to my gratitude list. And perhaps it will be nice to see green things growing. But that's it!

Debbie Downer

One of my all time favorite SNL skits is “Debbie Downer”. It’s always a group of people enjoying each other and having fun until Debbie Downer shows up. No matter how many wonderful things are going on around her—Debbie finds a way to bring everyone down. If there’s a birthday party, she’ll remind you that people in Africa are starving and never get birthday parties. At Disneyland—the happiest place on earth—she’ll let you know that feline AIDS is the number one killer of cats. The best part of the skit is when they focus up close on Debbie’s face and you hear this “Wah wah wah” sound that is just hilarious. It always makes me laugh because most of us know SOMEONE like this. We all have someone in our lives who tends to rain on our parade and spit on our rainbows.

As it turns out, I am Debbie Downer. I’m afraid that she’s what I’ve turned into. I can’t seem to help myself. I suck the life out of the room just by entering. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to find any joy.
We’re at a family reunion—surrounded by fun, and love, excitement, and all I can think about is an 18-month-old baby who is not there.
My husband gets this great promotion at work—something he has worked towards for years and is finally paying off, and all I can do is weep because I know this means a move.
Someone tells me to keep a gratitude journal, and I want to punch them in the teeth.
Someone else reminds me of the “4 beautiful children” I still have living and I cry because it’s just not enough for me.
Good friends and family are having babies and are so excited, and I feel sorry for myself instead of happy for them.
Birthday parties, lunches with friends, visits from family, nights out, scrapbooking—all the things that brought me so much joy in the past—and I have to force myself to smile.
This is just ugly.
I have this image in my mind about how I should be handling things. I can picture someone full of wisdom, grace, and beauty. This person humbly accepts her tragedy, and says and does all the right things. She has a new zest for life and she wants to improve herself in every way. She certainly doesn’t want to kick anyone in the teeth.
This person is nothing like me right now. My grief is just ugly. I have gained 15 pounds and I have dark circles under my eyes. My hair is a frizzy mop because I don’t have the energy to fix it. If you tell me to go to bed earlier, you are in danger of getting kicked in the teeth. (Not really, but it gets the point across quite nicely, wouldn’t you agree?) If you avoid talking to me about Zach, I might think you don’t care. If you try talking to me about Zach, I might burst into tears and then you will feel bad. You can’t win. If you try to give me advice, I’ll think you have no idea what I’m going through.
I am Debbie Downer. Wah, wah, wah!
Now, who wants to be my friend?

Fun In The Sun!

Well we got home Sunday night from our fun week in Phoenix for the Ashton family reunion. It was a really good time. We took something like 1500 pictures. Dave even brought his little portrait studio and we took lots of family pictures. My sister-in-law Jess planned the whole thing and she did a great job. It was at Heidi and Britt's house--27 people under one roof (plus a tent in the backyard) for 6 whole days. They're probably still cleaning up.

We were definitely missing Dave's parents--they're still on thier mission in Alaska. This was an apple pie free reunion. That's pretty sad. One day we broke down and baked--but it just wasn't the same.

The boys went golfing, the girls got pedicures, we went to Slide Rock in Sedona, Waterworld, had barbeques and just swam at the Mannings. A couple nights the adults went out to eat sans kids. We had matching orange t-shirts and the kids made cute little crafts. Are you kidding me--this was a legitimate reunion! The only thing that would have sealed the deal for me would be a night (or two) of pinochle. Oh well. We tried playing cards one night but I could tell their hearts weren't in it. Wah wah wah!

I think I'm going to spread the pictures out over the next few days. I think just about every minute was captured on film. Really.

It was wonderful to see everyone and see the kids enjoying their cousins. Every day I tried my hardest not to think about how much fun Zach would have had. His absence was a bit overwhelming at times. There were some hard moments. It was so good to be surrounded by family.

I went in!

There’s a scene in the movie Castaway, towards the end where the deserted Tom Hanks is building a raft and is FINALLY going to get off his island—or die trying. He realizes he needs more rope to finish the job, but has used all the rope making materials he can find. He knows where he can get more rope—but has avoided going there because of fear and painful memories. A few years earlier, he had tried to hang himself from a tree on a high cliff—and the much needed rope was still there. So he did it—and he finished his raft which eventually led to his rescue.

Today I needed something too—although not nearly as dramatic. I was taking the kids to the pool and I couldn’t find goggles. Stupid goggles! I knew where some were, but I have successfully avoided it until now. There were some goggles in Zachary’s diaper bag. I remember this because two days a week I took Aubrey and Claire to swim practice and Zachary and I would hang out in the parent’s viewing area. His diaper bag has been sitting on the floor in my bedroom since February. I’ve avoided it like the plague. There is a room full of his clothes and toys that I see almost every day--but for some reason his diaper bag has been off limits. Maybe it’s because it has been left completely undisturbed since he was living—the last time it was opened I was probably needing to change his diaper or find a snack for him.

Today I needed goggles. So I went in. There were diapers, wipes, his busy book, little bags of snacks, his noisy little toy cell phone, and binkies. Oh, the binkies! We could never find them when he needed one. His diaper bag was a gold mine of binkies—there had to be 7 or 8 of them in there. I found his shoe that had been missing and an outfit that was way too small for him. I found a couple of my lipsticks and the beaded necklace that he yanked off my neck which sent little beads flying everywhere during Sacrament Meeting a few days before his accident. Of course, I found two pair of goggles.
I needed them, and so I found them. I did it quickly and now it’s done. I don’t think this will lead to my rescue. That’s all I have to say about that.

Justin's Scout Day Camp

Dave was asked to be in charge of the Stake 11-year-old Scout day camp this year (Did I mention I'm over the scouting program in the stake Primary?) I actually had nothing to do with it--purely coincidence.

He put together a pretty spectacular day camp--today was the first day. They went on a hike, built and cooked with a fire, tied knots, and learned how to use a compass. In the afternoon, I brought them popsicles. (It was the least I could do--it's over 100 degrees out here--I actually didn't even get out of the car).

Tomorrow they're doing archery and shooting rifles. Remind me not to bring popsicles--or get out of the car.

Lauren's Week at Girl's Camp

The summer has just begun and Girl's Camp is already over! They went to Junction, Texas this past week and roughed it--sleeping in tents, cooking on a campfire, using port-a-potties, and bathing in the stream. That's the way I remember Girl's Camp.

I let her take my camera--which she put to good use. She had a great time and has made a bunch of new BFF's. I'm glad it was a good experience for her. I'm gladder that I'm not currently serving in the Young Women, if you know what I mean.

Dave's New Toy

Dave is having way too much fun with his new imac. This is just one of the many "treats" he has been sending me. He's a handsome man.

Sleeping With The Dogs

I'll bet you were expecting a picture of Dave.

This time it was Claire--and it was by choice.

Claire has been begging to sleep with the puppies (who aren't fully potty-trained yet). So Dave said she could sleep with them outside on the porch. We fully expected her to last no more than 30 minutes. We kept checking on her but she was perfectly happy to be sleeping outside. She made it all night on the patio furniture...snuggled up with two very happy puppies. Claire is one tough 5 year old--there's no one like her.

Lauren's 6th Grade track meet and Luau

School's finally over! It was a pretty crazy week--field days, track meets, end of year parties, awards assemblies, and the 6th Grade Luau. I am so sleeping in next week!

Farewell to Elementary School. All the kids line up outside their classrooms as the 6th graders take their last stroll down the halls while everyone cheers for them. 30 seconds of glory! Next year, it's back at the bottom in Jr. High.