Six month old Zachary--one of my favorite picturesToday has been a tough one. It was terrible and wonderful. Bittersweet. That's a great word, I've been using it a lot lately. Our move to Dallas is bittersweet. Our new home is officially ours--we got home from Dallas today. Before we boarded the plane, we recieved a call from our realtor letting us know of an offer on our Midland home. We countered and flew home. As soon as we landed, before we exited the plane, we recieved the news that our offer was accepted. An answer to many, many prayers. I think it was no coincidence that it happened on this day. My emotions have taken over.
On this day, also a Wednesday--six months ago, our lives changed forever. I sometimes wonder what I would have done differently on that day if I had known it was the last I would have with my Zachary in mortality. I hope I kissed and hugged and held him enough. I wish I could remember. Tonight we took the kids to visit Zach's grave. The drive home was silent. It reminded me of our drive home from the hospital six months prior, at about the same time. A painful, empty silence.
The joy we feel about our new home in Keller, and now selling our Midland home, is tempered by our sorrow today. We are grateful, relieved, sad, and overwhelmed. It is Bittersweet.
The 13th of each month is always bittersweet. It is the anniversary of Zachary's birth as well as his death. What a happy day it was 20 months ago. A perfect little baby boy joined our family forever.
There is comfort in knowing I will hold him again. I will have him back in my arms and my heart will be healed. What a wonderful day that will be. 
9 comments:
Wow, what a big week. I thought about you on the 13th. Actually I thought about you in Kinsey's recovery room too. Seeing all the kids being wheeled in after surgery and seeing Kinsey crying in pain was overwhelming to me. I was silent as well. I couldn't speak or I would cry. I felt such sadness for Kinsey and for those mothers (you) who had to send their children into major surgery. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. I still can't imagine it. I am sorry everyday for you. Zach was so lucky to have all of his 14 months so full of love, and you as a mother. No wonder he chose you as a mom for his short life, he knew it would be so wonderful. I know you wanted more months, I am sorry you didn't get them, you will someday.......I will help you wait.
I am glad you sold your house!!! Great Timing. I will cross my fingers this time! Good luck in the upcoming weeks.
Love ya...Stef
I am so glad that you have been able to sale your home in Midland. You can always tell that Our Heavenly Father has a hand in things when it just falls into place. It seems that this move to Dallas is just that. I posted this on my blog but, I am going to post it here to
" 'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better for your growth. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
I have said this before Zach is so lucky to have you both as his parents. Zach has an amazing family that will join his side ready and prepared on this earth by a Loving Heavenly Father that provided every event for the growth that was needed! It is by Our Heavenly Fathers Grace that you will hold Zach again. I know that you have seen the tears and the heart ach. Zach gave you Faith and world to believe in ,a love to believe in. Now Zach gives you hope for the thing not seen but in the promise of Our Heavenly Fathers Plan. Even in his passing you have grown in ways that I see as amazing I know that I could have never been as strong as you have been ever! Your amazing in your growth. I know Our Heavenly Father is so proud of you in all that you have done with this trial in your life. I just know I love you and I pray for your family always. I am posting a song that I dedicate to you, "I feel is your song about Zach" it will be on my blog, it should open when you go into it. Please go and listen to it!!! Love Gidget
First of all that is the cutest picture of Zachary--I love it! Second, I'm so grateful your house has sold. What a relief for you. Third, my heart is aching with yours. We are that much closer to being with our boys but also that much farther away from when they were in our arms. Definitely bittersweet. You truly are amazing Gillian and I'm so thankful everyday for you. Having someone that truly understands helps beyond anything I can express. Thanks Gillian for everything!
Lots of love,
Andrea
is this where we put really long comments? sweet.
we had a great lesson on mourning the deaths of loved ones in RS last week. I thought of you the whole time even though I have faced death a couple times in my life. Anyway, they were talking about having the chance to raise your children who passed away and that has always been a little hard for me to understand. Then someone said that these perfect little spirits that come and leave so quickly don't need to be tested spiritually, but they do need to learn how to master their bodies and grow their bodies to proper maturity. I always believed parents would get the chance, but I never really understood the purpose. I always thought, "why would we raise those kids? is it just for the parents?" but i think i better understand now.
i just said a lot. I'm sorry. i love you. good luck on these hard days.
Gillian, you will receive Zachary just as you laid him down. It is such a comfort even to me to know this. You are such a rock and a beautiful example to me. We will miss you and your family.
(I got to spend a little time with Claire the other day and she was so sweet with the babies. She took off Ayla's clothes and put her in a shiny pink dress-up thing, complete with a fuzzy blue scarf, tiara and wand!)
I've started making little dollies and Claire saw the line-up in my bedroom. They're not finished yet and I'll be selling them in my shop, but she told me which one she wanted. :)
I think of your family every month on the 13th...and wonder from so far away if you can feel my love and admiration for you and the strength you have. I know it hasn't been easy...I cannot imagine how hard it is...but your faith and unfailing love is very real to the rest of us. You are my hero. I love you and I miss you.
Hey I've only seen you at scout things and I am in the first ward with Ben and Rachel. I happened upon your blog today. I wondered if you had seen Stephanie Waite's blog at http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com/
Her little girl drowned in her swimming pool a couple months ago (she was 14 mo. as well). She writes amazing blogs that seem to bring comfort to everyone. She also has a privte blog for others who have suffered what you both have. I just thought maybe you'd be interested and wanted to let you know. He was gorgeous and I am so sorry for your loss.
I know you don't know me but I have recently become acquainted with sister Tague. I noticed that you are moving to Keller Texas. I am in Killeen(Central Texas, South of Keller.) I have a dear friend who lives in Keller...Erica Starr I wonder if you will/are in the same ward? You can see her family blog on my blog. Good luck with the move. You have a gorgeous family!
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