Zachary's headstone

Zachary's headstone was finally set last week. I was so worried I wouldn't be here when it arrived. It took me a long time to order it and to decide what I wanted it to say. It was never anything I had given any thought to before--designing a headstone for one of my precious children. That's also how I felt when, less than 24 hours after we lost Zach, I had to sit down and write his obituary. How do you even know where to begin, or what to say? I was so grateful for the help I had that day from a dear friend.

One of the things that kept going through my mind right after I lost Zach was, "I don't know how to do this." I don't have the wisdom, the experience, the strength. I'm not like others, who always seem know the "right" words, reactions, perspectives. So how can I do this?

What I learned over the next few hours, days, weeks, and now months is that a way is always provided. There has been someone literally holding my hand through each of my darkest moments, each of my impossible tasks. To list people individually would be a mistake, but I hope my savoirs know who they are. Have I said "thank you" enough? Have I expressed enough gratitude for all that has been done for me? I think not.

Gratitude has overwhelmed me almost as much as the grief. I've never been good at the "thank yous"--each year it tops my list of New Years Resolutions. How can I ever help people understand what they have done for me? What their love, support, and especially their prayers have meant. I've have thought a lot about sharing some of the amazing things that people have done for my family, and maybe I will sometime, but for now I just want to tell everyone and anyone Thank You--and hope those words carry the profound meaning that is intended.

So now my little boy's resting place has a name and a face. It turned out just as I hoped it would. It feels very final to me, like a period on a sentence. And again, I am grateful, and so very sad.